Category - wife jokes

Duniya ki best “MAA” to har
bete ke paas hoti hai, 
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Lekin pata nahi duniya ki best
“BIWI”
Padosi ke paas hi kyu hoti hai..  ??

Wife ka unlimited torture, .
Wife: Zara Kitchen se Namak
lete aana,
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Husband: Yaha to koi Namak
nahi hai,
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Wife: Mujhe pata tha, Tum to
ho hi Andhe,
Kaamchor ho,
.
Ek kaam dhang se nahi kr
sakte, Bas bahane
banaate ho, Zindagi me kuch
to kaam karo,
.
Tumhe nahi milega, Isliye
pehle hi le aayi thi,
.
Husband shocked!

Every time you talk to ur wife, ur mind should remember that……. ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose ‘  hahaha Lol

Pappu : sir meri patni mere saath baahar
jaana chaahti hai..
chhutti chahiye..
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Boss : chhutti nahin milegi
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…
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Pappu : thank u so much sir ji..
mai jaanta tha musibat ke waqt aap hi
kaam aayenge.. 

Beta: “mummy kya love marriage karne se ghar wale naraaz hote hain?

Maa: “tu pakka kisi churail ke chakkar mein hoga or yeh sab tujhe usi daayan ne kaha hoga, larkiyan to bus larkon ko fasane mein hi lagi rehti hain, jahan acha larka dekha shuru ho gayin, beta inse bach k rehna yeh bohat dhokebaaz hoti hain aur inka to khandan bhi…

Beta: “aisa kuch nahi hai woh to daddy bata rahe the ki aap dono ki love marriage thi 

NARAD SAYS TO ALL WIVES :

if ur husband sends u romantic msgs then be very happy, but think who is sending those msgs to ur husband ?
my job is over ……..

narayan narayan

www.whatsapptext.com

Wife : “Naari” Ka Matlab Kya Hai?

Husband : Naari Ka Matlab Hai Shakti.

Wife : To Phir Purush Ka Matlab Kya Hai?

Husband : ‘Sahan Shakti  

Loyalty Tests…

Test 1:
Wife buys 12 underwears of same colour for hubby..🔻

Hubby- Why same colour sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife- Which people❓😡😡😡

Total silence…😳😁😖😷

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Test 2:
A couple sees a hot girl.. 😍💃💃
Wife: So big, aren’t they? 😳😳
Husband: Yes 👀
Wife: Are they artificial?
Husband: I think natural. 😎😎
Wife: Ear-rings & Natural?? 😕😕
.
Total Silence 😐😐😐

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Test 3:
Men will always be Men – 
Once a group of men decided to go for Tirth Yatra. Their guide explained to them that they might see some ladies bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all. When they see anything like that, they should just say HARI OM and move on. Next day they started the yatra and one of the men in the group said- “HARI OM” and rest of them said- “KIDHAR HAI, KIDHAR HAI!” 😆😆😆… 😅

Customer To Hotel
Manager:-
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Jaldi Chalo… Meri Biwi
Khidki Se Kud Kar Jaan
Dena Chahti Hai.
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Manager:- So, What Can I
Do?
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Customer:- Kamine…
Khidki Khul Nahi Rahi
Hai. . . . . .khol jake   
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Arguing with your wife is like killing the mosquito on your cheek you might or might not kill it, but you’ll still end up slapping yourself! 

A couple watching an IPL match on the TV together. After five minutes: 
Wife: Is that Bret Lee 
Husband: No. He is Chris Gayle. Bret Lee is the bowler. 
Wife: Bret Lee is smart. He should be in the movies like his brother. 
Husband: He does not have an actor brother 
Wife: What about Bruce Lee 
Husband: No no, Bret Lee is an Australian 
Wife: OK. Look. Another wicket in just two minutes. 
Husband: No. It is called action replay. 
Wife: Looks like India is going to win this one. Husband: It is not India. It is Bangalore vs Kolkatta Wife: Why is the umpire calling for a helicopter. Husband: He is not calling for a helicopter. It’s a free hit.
Wife: Did the spectators not pay for the tickets? Why is it a ‘ free’ hit? 
Wife: Now whom is he saying ‘HI’ to? 
Husband: He is signalling a ‘Bye’. 
Wife: Why is he saying ‘Bye’. Is the game over? 
Wife: How many runs to win? 
Husband: 72 in 36 balls 
Wife: Ah. That is easy. Just 2 runs in 1 ball Husband turns off the TV. 

Wife turns it on and watches ‘Saraswasti Chandra’
Husband: Who is this Saraswati Cahndra? 

Wife: Don’t you dare disturb me . . . 
Lolz Omg ROFL

Wife drinking WHISKEY,
asked”Tum kaun ho?”
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Husband-“Pagal ho gayi ho kya? Apne
husband ko
bhool gayi?
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“Wife:”Nasha har gum bhula deta hai
“Bhaisaab”..!!

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not….1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot….1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you….1 point for beer!

For a beer, you pay taxes….1 point for women!

If you drink a second beer, the first one doesn’t get angry….1 point for beer!

You can always be sure that, you are the first one Opening a beer….1 point for beer!

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself….1 point for beer!

You know exactly how much a beer costs….1 point for beer!

A beer does not have a mother….1 point for beer!

A Beer won’t ask you to hug her for half an hour after having it….1 point for beer!

So the Score is……Beer beats women 8 to 2

If you’re a guy, enjoy this message..If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, know that a beer would never get angry……1 point for beer

Papa ne ek robot laya…
jo juth bolne pe thappad marta tha. . .
Beta ghar aya..
Baap : kaha gaya tha ?
Beta : dost k ghar.
Baap : kya kar rha tha..? Beta : movie dekh rha tha…
Baap: konsi ?
Beta : english.
Robot slaps the boy

Baap : batao konsi wali ?
Beta : ok !! RESHMA KI jAWANI !!

Baap : main jab tumhari umar ka tha
tab mujhe ase film ka matlab bhi nai pata tha…
Robot slaps the man !!

Mom : akhir apka hi to beta hai….!!
Robot slaps the woman…

Wife aur husband shop se nikle to ek faqeer ne kaha 

-..Ae Husn ki Mallika ! 5 Rupay de de… Andha hoon……

Husband ne wife ki taraf dekha aur bola :”De de….Wakai andha hai.. 

Height of Over confidence
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A man Marrying His Own secretary
thinking she
will follow his Orders as Before..

Funniest Wife Reply
A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,

I can’t send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company’s performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.

You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.

Your loving husband,

His wife replied

Hey hubby

Thanks for the 100 kisses.

Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month’s milk.

2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.

3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope you understand.

5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.

Please don’t worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.

Shall I plan the same for the next month?

Your Sweet Heart

Dedicated To all Girls:

Never care about what other people
think of you because you will be
perfect to someone.

Stop worrying about your…
eyeliner,
hair, dress etc . .
Because One day you’ll find a
Man that won’t care about them all

AND

Will Only look at your Heart . . . .

A New elemnt Added 2 the Periodic Table 

Name : wife

Symbol : wi

Atomic Weight : Don’t Even Dare 2 Ask!

Physical Proprties :
Boils at Anytime,
Can Freeze at Anytime,
Melts if Handled with Love & Care,
Very Bitter if Mishandled.!

Chemical Proprties:
Very Reactive,
Highly Unstable,
Posses Strong Affinity 4 Gold, Platinm, Clothes & Othr Precious Items,
Money Reducing Agent,
Volatile when left Alone.

Occurance:
Mostly found in front of mirror

Chinese Man will have a Wife & a Girlfriend &
will Love his Wife more.
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A African will have 2 Wives& 5 Girlfriend’s &
will Love his 1st Wife more.
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A English Man will have 1 Wife & 3 Girlfriend’s
& will Love his Girlfriend’s more.
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An Indian man will have 1 Wife & 4
Girlfriend’s & He still Loves his Mummy more. 

Wife (on phone) – Suniye ji, window khul nahi rahi hai.

Husband- Aisa karo thoda tel garam kar ke us par daal do.

Wife- Kya usse window khul jayegi ?

Husband- ha, Try to karo.

After 15 mins , husband calls wife.

Husband- Tumne try kiya ??

Wife- Haan kiya, par ab to computer hi band ho gaya!

Advice for all the Married Guys:

Kabhi bahut dukhi ho to apni shaadi ka video ulta chala ke dekhna.

Maza aa jayega.

Aapki Biwi Aapki ungli se ring utaregi.

Car se utregi aur Mayke laut jaayegi.

A boss saying 2 his secretary that we
are going abroad for a tour for a week.
Secretary calls her husband:
I’m going abroad for one week.
Husband calls her girlfriend:
Wife is going away for a week,
lets enjoy :):)
Girlfriend calls her student:
for a week no class for u.
Little boy calls his grandpa:
I’m free for this week.
Grandpa(Boss) calls his secretary:
Tour cancelled.i’m with my
grandson this week:)
Secretary calls her husband:
Tour cancelled…..
Husband calls girlfriend:
Wife is not going.so we too can’t go:(
Girlfriend calls boy:
This week you have class as usual…
Boy calls grandpa:
Sorry grandpa gotta attend my
class:(
Grandpa calls secretary:
we are going abroad…!!
and it goes on,, 

HEIGHT OF ATTITUDE:

A cockroach’s last words to a man who is about to kill him:

“Go ahead & kill me, u coward !!
U r jealous of me
coz ur wife is afraid of me
& NOT AFRAID OF YOU !!

Agree Guys !!!

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

Husband says : “Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you said Hello to them..” 

A Couple never fought in 25Yrs!!!
A friend asked – How did U make it possible??

Husband – We went 2 Shimla for our Honymoon, While Horse riding My Wife’s Horse jumped & my wife fell down, she got up, patted d Horse’s back & said “Dis is your 1st time”.
After a while,it happened again.
She said “dis is your 2nd time” & When it happened the 3rd time, she took out a gun & shot the horse.

I shouted, U psycho, U killed the horse.
She gave a grave look & said “dis is your 1st time”.

Since then we are very happy…

Wife: Give me your phone for a second

Husband: Wait let me switch it on.
Delete video.
Delete picture.
Delete music.
Delete private folder.
Delete number.
Delete sms.
Delete out goin calls.
Delete incomin calls.
Delete mms.
Delete what’s app.
Delete bbm.
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
Delete
FORMAT Memory Card.

Here u go I have nothing to hide from u!!

Wife: I just wanted to see
the time…

Husband: Iski maa ki !!!

What smart answer by Husband !!!

Once Mom asked:
Whom do you Love more?

Me or your Wife?

Husband replied: I don’t know..
but your Love makes me forget my Wife
&
Her Love & care reminds me of You!

How various Gujarati wife fight with their respective husbands…

Angry Husband sends SMS to his mother-in-law
 “Your product not cooking food properly”

Smart Mother-in-law replied “Product sold, Seal opened, Warranty expired, 
Manufacturer not responsible

An Economist explains his reason for having two wives..! 

First..
Monopoly should be broken..
..&..
Second..
Competition Improves Service!!!

MBA ki wife : Eji , Yeh inflation kya hai ?

MBA : Phele tu 36-24-36 thi , ab tu 42-40-48 hai! Ab tere pass sab kuch pehle se jyada hai par phir bhi teri value kam hai.

Yahi INFLATION hai !!!

Girls save her Boy-Friends name as :-
1. My luv
2. Sweetu
3. Darling
4. Swthrt
5. Honey baby
6. Jaanu
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Husband Save his Girl-Friend name like:
1. Sonu halwai
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2. Rashid Plumber
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3. Bhola foji
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4. Sarpanch
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5. Hawaldar
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6. Bittu langda
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7. Pappu mistri
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8. Customer care
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9. Battery Low

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10. Kamina Padosi..

Though for the day! 

First they put so many mirrors in cars, 

and they call women, bad drivers’! 😉

A Couple never fought in 25Yrs!!!
A friend asked – How did U make it possible??

Husband – We went 2 Shimla for our Honymoon, While Horse riding My Wife’s Horse jumped & my wife fell down, she got up, patted d Horse’s back & said “Dis is your 1st time”.
After a while,it happened again.
She said “dis is your 2nd time” & When it happened the 3rd time, she took out a gun & shot the horse.

I shouted, U psycho, U killed the horse.
She gave a grave look & said “dis is your 1st time”.

Since then we are very happy…

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done,she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

Husband says : “Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you said Hello to them..” 

A man was walking in rain

A sweet lady: Why don’t u share my umbrella ?

Man: no sister its fine (And he walked away)

Moral: Moral voral kuch nahi Piche biwi aa rahi thi

A man who is a manager in 5 star hotel calls his wife.

Husband : Aaj khaane mein kya pakaya hai?

Wife : Steamed fine long grain white rice hand-picked in the emerald green lap of the Vindhyas, accompanied by a golden lentil soup that was gently simmered over the smouldering kisses of angels.

Husband : matlab..??

Wife : dal chawal….!!

Husband: Kaash main Ganpati hota. Tum roz meri pooja karti, 
         mujhe laddu khilati, bada maza aata.

Wife:    Haan kaash tum Ganpati hote, roz tumko laddu khilati, 
         har saal visarjan karti, naye Ganpati aate, bada maza            aata!

Sunday fun times

Husband: Aaj khane mein kya banaogi??
Wife: Jo aap kaho?

Husband: Dal chawal bana lo.
Wife: Abhi kal hi to khaye the?

Husband: Toh sabji roti bana lo?
Wife: Bacche nahi khayenge?

Husband: Toh chhole puri bana lo?
Wife: Mujhe heavy heavy lagta hai?

Husband: Eggs bhurji bana lo?
Wife: Aaj guruvaar hai?

Husband: Paraanthe ??
Wife: Raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai???

Husband: Hotel se mangwa lete hain??
Wife: Roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye?

Husband: Kadhi chawal??
Wife: Dahi nahi hai?

Husband: Idly sambar??
Wife: Usme time lagega. Pehle bolna chahiye tha na!!?

Husband: Maggie hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega?
Wife: Woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta?

Husband: Phir, ab kya banaogi??
Wife: Jo aap kaho..

After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly…then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H…. I, J, K.”

She asks….. “What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said….”Oh, that’s so lovely…..

What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

It’s not difficult to keep a wife happy. A man ONLY needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A good understanding
15. An astrologer
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdayses
* anniversaries

And now,

HOW TO KEEP A husband HAPPY

1.. Leave him alone.




2.And…



And……..
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That’s it! Just leave him alone!!!!!!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha